I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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