How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
