aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
