I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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