I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
