you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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