I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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