Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
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I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
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Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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