Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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