So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
