Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
