The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
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I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
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I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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