my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
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We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
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He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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