Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
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