he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
