I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Be still, my beating vagina.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
