Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
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She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
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