I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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