Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
