i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
my sisters under your porch take her home
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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