it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
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