I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
