goodnight i made you a song goodbye
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I wish you could order shots online.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
