3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
