Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
