He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
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