Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
It all started with a game of naked twister.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
