I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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