It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
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She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
sex on a bike is impossible
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!