She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
