1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
