My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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