I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
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Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
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You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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