Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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