What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'm like, not good at living.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
