At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
ttyl tear gas
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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