Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
