we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
