ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I believe in your delicious
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
