people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
