Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
