i can't believe i had my finger in that
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
