I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
