you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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