I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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