last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
