Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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