I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
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