Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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