I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
