nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
