Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
...so i touched it.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
