I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
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