omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
