haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Randomize
