Fine. I'll sleep in my office
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize